When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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