Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
