I'm lost and stupid without you.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
