I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
