I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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