Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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