god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize