I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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