Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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