i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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