apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Randomize
