So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
