How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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