Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I smell like Dick and happiness
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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