He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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