I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
