Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
