I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
