he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
