Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
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