If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
