Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
