I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
and eventually we just all took our pants off
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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