You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
