So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
