Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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