I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
one two three fourrrrnication!
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
