I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
