Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I'm eating all of the evidence.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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