Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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