I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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