He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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