Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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