sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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