her facebook's as public as her vagina
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
