I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
