"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
whose ass print is on the piano?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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