then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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