I can't breathe out the right side of my face
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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