just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
