is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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