Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
