i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
