How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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