Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
