never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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