So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
