my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Randomize
