I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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