There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
