Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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