Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
