How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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