I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
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